Post by gwood on Dec 25, 2007 0:46:19 GMT
“Don’t you see you’ve got me bent all out of shape.”
-Paul Westerberg
ANNUAL WINTER HOLIDAY LETTER
Well, well. Well, well, well! Another year has passed, which means, by extension, that we’re all another year older, and perhaps, if we are very lucky, another year wiser. Wisdom, though, isn’t a thing that accrues automatically with the mere passage of time. Wisdom must be earned, through cold, hard experience. For instance, I have learned, through bitter experience of the coldest, hardest type, that if your hands are very dry, as they tend to be this at time of year in climates that require indoor heating, and your lips are of just the right degree of moistness, that a cigarette will sometimes stick to your lips, and when you go take it between your index and middle finger, to casually remove it in a very cool James Dean sort of way, your dry fingers will inadvertently slide down the cigarette, towards the lit end.
This happens so fast that you will probably not be aware of what is transpiring until the burning ember is lodged in the soft flesh between your fingers, which I feel duty-bound to report, is extremely painful. Your first instinct will be to separate the fireball from your now-melted flesh, with a swift snapping motion. To my great regret, when this happened to me, I thoughtlessly directed the above described snapping motion downwards, making sudden and painful contact with a very sensitive area of the male anatomy. My problem compounded, I did not immediately notice that the burning ember had described a trajectory upwards, entering my T-shirt through the neck. One would think that T-shirt material would burn easily, but in fact, what burns more easily is flesh. Inflicted with multiple injuries, I am saddened to report that I let loose with a string of profanities so despicable that my own daughter gasped in abject horror.
And herein lies the lesson. If you read the sides of a selection of cigarette packages, you will see numerous and varied health warnings, but there has never been an advisory concerning the very real danger of burning. Victimized, I can only hope to seek relief through the legal system. I will teach those bastards a lesson they will never forget.
At this point, I’d like to pause in my ruminations to wish each and every one of you a Happy Holiday. If, by chance, you are of the persuasion that celebrates no winter holiday, through whatever mindset or convictions that would preclude a religious or cultural celebration, I would like to apologize for imposing on your solitude with what must seem to you a wearisome banality. Instead, out of respect for your inherent human right to follow the voice of your own conscience, I will simply extend my warmest wishes, and pray on your behalf that The Universal God of Love and Eternal Salvation does not throw your evil ass into a lake of fire for all eternity. Because that would be really beat. And you can’t sue God.
Turning to personal matters, I am happy to report that this past year my family and I have derived much satisfaction and happiness from the new faucet fixture that I successfully installed on our laundry room sink. This is a washerless fixture, with a lifetime guarantee. One cannot put a price on security. I am especially gratified in that I was able to complete the installation myself, without professional guidance. Those of you who know me well are aware of the fact that I am an expert in the use of hand tools. For this project, I used one of those squeezer things with plastic on the handles, and a screwturner that fits into those screws with an X on the top of it. You know the kind. Not that other kind.
Of course, there are many other areas of personal accomplishment and triumph that I could address in this letter, but one of those things that I have learned with the passage of time is humility. I believe that humility is a trait we should all strive for. The humble man (or woman, of course) is unerringly the most satisfied and wise of our species. “Lo, behold the humble man! For he is wise beyond all measure, his serenity issues forth as the incontinence of the Lord” (Thunkaloneians, 12:25). So, if you are still lacking in humility, I say get off your high horse and wake up and smell the biscuits. Just shut up about your new Hummer and your inflated sense of self-worth. Nobody gives a good goddamn! Shove it, jackass!
Wishing you all a prosperous New Year, and all that, I remain,
Yr ob svt,
G Wood
P.S. Saw the Lemonheads last week. They rocked!
-Paul Westerberg
ANNUAL WINTER HOLIDAY LETTER
Well, well. Well, well, well! Another year has passed, which means, by extension, that we’re all another year older, and perhaps, if we are very lucky, another year wiser. Wisdom, though, isn’t a thing that accrues automatically with the mere passage of time. Wisdom must be earned, through cold, hard experience. For instance, I have learned, through bitter experience of the coldest, hardest type, that if your hands are very dry, as they tend to be this at time of year in climates that require indoor heating, and your lips are of just the right degree of moistness, that a cigarette will sometimes stick to your lips, and when you go take it between your index and middle finger, to casually remove it in a very cool James Dean sort of way, your dry fingers will inadvertently slide down the cigarette, towards the lit end.
This happens so fast that you will probably not be aware of what is transpiring until the burning ember is lodged in the soft flesh between your fingers, which I feel duty-bound to report, is extremely painful. Your first instinct will be to separate the fireball from your now-melted flesh, with a swift snapping motion. To my great regret, when this happened to me, I thoughtlessly directed the above described snapping motion downwards, making sudden and painful contact with a very sensitive area of the male anatomy. My problem compounded, I did not immediately notice that the burning ember had described a trajectory upwards, entering my T-shirt through the neck. One would think that T-shirt material would burn easily, but in fact, what burns more easily is flesh. Inflicted with multiple injuries, I am saddened to report that I let loose with a string of profanities so despicable that my own daughter gasped in abject horror.
And herein lies the lesson. If you read the sides of a selection of cigarette packages, you will see numerous and varied health warnings, but there has never been an advisory concerning the very real danger of burning. Victimized, I can only hope to seek relief through the legal system. I will teach those bastards a lesson they will never forget.
At this point, I’d like to pause in my ruminations to wish each and every one of you a Happy Holiday. If, by chance, you are of the persuasion that celebrates no winter holiday, through whatever mindset or convictions that would preclude a religious or cultural celebration, I would like to apologize for imposing on your solitude with what must seem to you a wearisome banality. Instead, out of respect for your inherent human right to follow the voice of your own conscience, I will simply extend my warmest wishes, and pray on your behalf that The Universal God of Love and Eternal Salvation does not throw your evil ass into a lake of fire for all eternity. Because that would be really beat. And you can’t sue God.
Turning to personal matters, I am happy to report that this past year my family and I have derived much satisfaction and happiness from the new faucet fixture that I successfully installed on our laundry room sink. This is a washerless fixture, with a lifetime guarantee. One cannot put a price on security. I am especially gratified in that I was able to complete the installation myself, without professional guidance. Those of you who know me well are aware of the fact that I am an expert in the use of hand tools. For this project, I used one of those squeezer things with plastic on the handles, and a screwturner that fits into those screws with an X on the top of it. You know the kind. Not that other kind.
Of course, there are many other areas of personal accomplishment and triumph that I could address in this letter, but one of those things that I have learned with the passage of time is humility. I believe that humility is a trait we should all strive for. The humble man (or woman, of course) is unerringly the most satisfied and wise of our species. “Lo, behold the humble man! For he is wise beyond all measure, his serenity issues forth as the incontinence of the Lord” (Thunkaloneians, 12:25). So, if you are still lacking in humility, I say get off your high horse and wake up and smell the biscuits. Just shut up about your new Hummer and your inflated sense of self-worth. Nobody gives a good goddamn! Shove it, jackass!
Wishing you all a prosperous New Year, and all that, I remain,
Yr ob svt,
G Wood
P.S. Saw the Lemonheads last week. They rocked!